Breathe

This was written last week.  Life seems a little lighter, a little brighter now and the glimmer of hope shines a little stronger.  God has been working in my heart, calling to me.  Sometimes it seems as though He is screaming from the rooftops.  Everywhere I turn at the moment, from friends and loved ones randomly checking on me to my daughter’s school texts, I’m being reminded of His love, His care, His faithfulness.  How do I respond?  And therein lays the battle…

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Life is hard at the moment. My head and heart have been at war for months. Please don't ask me to explain. I don't think I could if I tried. I've evaluated and reevaluated myself, my relationships, and my faith. I still haven't figured out much more than I'm hurt. And as much as I hate to admit it, I respond to life as one that's been wounded. Some might go as far to say “damaged goods.”  The day to day is manageable, even good, but the big picture leaves me with a sinking feeling, drowning, suffocating.

 

So I played hookey the other day. I had other things I should have been doing. Important things, namely attending Sunday School or chasing my toddler. What started as running to the car to retrieve my forgotten phone ended with me driving down an empty country road, camera in the passenger seat, chasing perched hawks and icicle-lined branches.

 

 

 
Why admit to carelessly ditching my responsibilities?  It's not something I'm proud of or would even recommend. I'm sure I could guilt trip myself through the coming year for skipping out when others are generously giving of their own time to teach my older girls about Jesus.

 
Why? Simply put...Perspective. One thing I've noticed about being hurt is that it is so very easy to become self-focused and self-absorbed.
 
We believe we are trapped when we actually have many options. We might not like all of those options, but we do have choices.

 
My choices that day ranged from not attending church at all to faking a smile and going through all the motions. Instead I chose to take a moment to simply BREATHE. I needed to feel fresh air in my lungs and sunshine on my face. Those few moments allowed me to grab the oxygen I desperately craved. I found renewed strength and more importantly HOPE.

 
One of my all-time favorite verses is Romans 5:3-5 (NKJV).

“And not only that, but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
 
Perspective is so very critical. What looks like this from the comfort of my warm car...

Can look like this when I get out of my comfort zone, but it required

climbing down into the ditch and trudging through the snow.

 

And just two days after originally writing this post, I learned of this Oscar Wilde quote.

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”

I’m more convinced than ever that there’s a story to be told here. Oh, how I could relate as I read the words of Psalm 32:3 last week, “When I kept silent, my bones grew old.” I’m not sure how, but I’m stepping out in faith, little by little. Thank you for joining me on this journey.